Get Along with the Von Hoobie-Doobies

The true spirit of conversation consists in building on another man's observation, not overturning it. -- Edward Bulwer-Lytto


My father always taught me that no matter which career I chose, it would require that I work with people. And that includes pleasant people, grumpy people, demanding, know-it-all people, people who can never be satisfied, people who support you and people who do not. Even if you work from home with no one else around most days, you will still encounter people - someone has to buy the product or service you are providing - and getting along with them is a skill.

In his children's book, Edwina - The Dinosaur Who Didn't Know She Was Extinct, Mo Willems illustrates this beautifully. Edwina is the only remaining dinosaur who goes around doing good, helping people and often baking cookies for everyone. But Reginald Von Hoobie-Doobie is a little boy "who knows everything about just about everything" and is determined to prove that dinosaurs are extinct, and therefore Edwina can't possibly be real.

Everyone gets tired of Reginald's rantings about their beloved Edwina and stops listening to him. One day he is sobbing about it when Edwina steps up behind him and offers to listen. She listens attentively and is shocked by the legitimate case he makes and realizes that she is, indeed, extinct. But, "She just didn't care." And after experiencing someone attentively listening to him and appreciating his knowledge, neither did Reginald Von Hoobie-Doobie.

Lessons to learn from the story, plus a few other hints:

For many, many reasons difficult people often just have a need to be heard and validated. Spend a few minutes listening attentively to them without interruption. Find something in their conversation or behavior with which you can agree. Then say something affirming like, "Interesting. I never thought of it that way." Or, "You make a good point." And this is the important thing: Do not follow up with a "but..." Follow up with "and..." It sounds like this: " I never thought about that voice mail message being annoying and I will certainly follow up on that issue."

Resist the urge to elevate your tone. I have found that the more worked up someone is, the more responsive they are to a very calm, soothing tone. You don't need to be patronizing, but keep the atmosphere at a calm level.

Use "charge-neutral" statements. This means not using "you" very much, like "You always yell at me!" (accusing). Instead, use statements such as "When you approach me using a loud voice, I feel inclined to tune you out and that keeps me from hearing what you say." This makes the statement about you, not them. Get the difference?

Don't take it personally. Sometimes difficult people can make you feel uninformed, out of touch, or inferior. That is what they want you to feel. Again, see it as their need, not your problem. Think Edwina. "She just didn't care!"

Make a request. Even pleasant people can't read your mind. Approach the problem by clearly stating your desired outcome. Then make specific requests leading to that. "Will you please turn those reports in to me at 4pm each day from now on?" Important: Use the words "will you" or "would you" rather than "could you" or "can you." It makes an enormous difference in the response!

If you would like to talk more about communicating and working with difficult people in your life, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary coaching consultation.