The true spirit of conversation consists in building on another man's observation, not overturning it. -- Edward Bulwer-Lytto
My father always taught me that no matter which career I chose, it would require that I work with people. And that includes pleasant people, grumpy people, demanding, know-it-all people, people who can never be satisfied, people who support you and people who do not. Even if you work from home with no one else around most days, you will still encounter people - someone has to buy the product or service you are providing - and getting along with them is a skill.
In his children's book, Edwina - The Dinosaur Who Didn't Know She Was Extinct, Mo Willems illustrates this beautifully. Edwina is the only remaining dinosaur who goes around doing good, helping people and often baking cookies for everyone. But Reginald Von Hoobie-Doobie is a little boy "who knows everything about just about everything" and is determined to prove that dinosaurs are extinct, and therefore Edwina can't possibly be real.
Everyone gets tired of Reginald's rantings about their beloved Edwina and stops listening to him. One day he is sobbing about it when Edwina steps up behind him and offers to listen. She listens attentively and is shocked by the legitimate case he makes and realizes that she is, indeed, extinct. But, "She just didn't care." And after experiencing someone attentively listening to him and appreciating his knowledge, neither did Reginald Von Hoobie-Doobie.
Lessons to learn from the story, plus a few other hints:
For many, many reasons difficult people often just have a need to be heard and validated. Spend a few minutes listening attentively to them without interruption. Find something in their conversation or behavior with which you can agree. Then say something affirming like, "Interesting. I never thought of it that way." Or, "You make a good point." And this is the important thing: Do not follow up with a "but..." Follow up with "and..." It sounds like this: " I never thought about that voice mail message being annoying and I will certainly follow up on that issue."
Resist the urge to elevate your tone. I have found that the more worked up someone is, the more responsive they are to a very calm, soothing tone. You don't need to be patronizing, but keep the atmosphere at a calm level.
Use "charge-neutral" statements. This means not using "you" very much, like "You always yell at me!" (accusing). Instead, use statements such as "When you approach me using a loud voice, I feel inclined to tune you out and that keeps me from hearing what you say." This makes the statement about you, not them. Get the difference?
Don't take it personally. Sometimes difficult people can make you feel uninformed, out of touch, or inferior. That is what they want you to feel. Again, see it as their need, not your problem. Think Edwina. "She just didn't care!"
Make a request. Even pleasant people can't read your mind. Approach the problem by clearly stating your desired outcome. Then make specific requests leading to that. "Will you please turn those reports in to me at 4pm each day from now on?" Important: Use the words "will you" or "would you" rather than "could you" or "can you." It makes an enormous difference in the response!
If you would like to talk more about communicating and working with difficult people in your life, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary coaching consultation.
June 16, 2007
May 23, 2007
Don't Just Hope for Opportunity - Throw Yourself Under It's Wheels!
How can you ensure that you are always open and ready for great things to come to you, no matter what? Chances are you have known at least one person in your lifetime to whom everything seems to come easily. The "lucky" one.
Know what? Maybe some luck is involved. But even if good luck comes your way, you have to be ready for it or it might pass you by!
How can you prepare yourself to be a receiver and exploiter of good luck?
First, be someone who has a solid foundation. When your life is in order, your boundaries are clear, your most fundamental needs are met, and you take great care of yourself, you are ready to receive neat things. If you are the opposite, guess what? That is why I encourage you to sign up for my Life Upgrade e-course, if you haven't already. It addresses these basic life needs that must be addressed in order to be a person who attracts great things and is ready to capitalize upon and enjoy them.
Another important way to attract opportunity: Place yourself in its presence. “Be in the room”, as they say. Don’t talk yourself out of opportunity. Let's say there is a networking luncheon or cool social function you could attend, but it might be dull, you probably wouldn’t meet anyone who could really connect you, the food might be bad, it’s hard to park there, etc. Been there! But really, how many organized events have you attended in your life that didn’t give you something; a new contact, motivation, a chance to gear up and stretch yourself?
Spend time with people who inspire you. I make it a point to have frequent lunch or coffee dates with friends who make me laugh, support and encourage me and who are creative thinkers. And I do my best to be all of those things for them, too. We always come away feeling lighter and frequently inspired by some new idea.
Be what you want to attract. Would you follow a leader who did not embody the vision he or she wanted you to support? Envision yourself as already having what it is that you want. For example, if you are single and would like to be in a healthy, supportive relationship, picture yourself already in that relationship. Own that feeling of what it is like and how you feel and behave in it. Know that you are on the verge of finding it and be alert and open to receive it. If you own that vision and are clear about it, you will naturally begin to open yourself to the experience, making eye contact, smiling and being friendly wherever you go, attracting the very thing you seek. That is how people meet in coffee shops, grocery store lines, or airports. The same is true for attracting a new career, improved lifestyle, etc. When you own a vision and are clear about it and open to it, you will attract it into your life!
Keep learning. Stay curious. Read great books, talk to interesting people, study subjects you know little about and try to apply them to your life in new and creative ways. Be a perpetual student!
Remember...
Know what? Maybe some luck is involved. But even if good luck comes your way, you have to be ready for it or it might pass you by!
How can you prepare yourself to be a receiver and exploiter of good luck?
First, be someone who has a solid foundation. When your life is in order, your boundaries are clear, your most fundamental needs are met, and you take great care of yourself, you are ready to receive neat things. If you are the opposite, guess what? That is why I encourage you to sign up for my Life Upgrade e-course, if you haven't already. It addresses these basic life needs that must be addressed in order to be a person who attracts great things and is ready to capitalize upon and enjoy them.
Another important way to attract opportunity: Place yourself in its presence. “Be in the room”, as they say. Don’t talk yourself out of opportunity. Let's say there is a networking luncheon or cool social function you could attend, but it might be dull, you probably wouldn’t meet anyone who could really connect you, the food might be bad, it’s hard to park there, etc. Been there! But really, how many organized events have you attended in your life that didn’t give you something; a new contact, motivation, a chance to gear up and stretch yourself?
Spend time with people who inspire you. I make it a point to have frequent lunch or coffee dates with friends who make me laugh, support and encourage me and who are creative thinkers. And I do my best to be all of those things for them, too. We always come away feeling lighter and frequently inspired by some new idea.
Be what you want to attract. Would you follow a leader who did not embody the vision he or she wanted you to support? Envision yourself as already having what it is that you want. For example, if you are single and would like to be in a healthy, supportive relationship, picture yourself already in that relationship. Own that feeling of what it is like and how you feel and behave in it. Know that you are on the verge of finding it and be alert and open to receive it. If you own that vision and are clear about it, you will naturally begin to open yourself to the experience, making eye contact, smiling and being friendly wherever you go, attracting the very thing you seek. That is how people meet in coffee shops, grocery store lines, or airports. The same is true for attracting a new career, improved lifestyle, etc. When you own a vision and are clear about it and open to it, you will attract it into your life!
Keep learning. Stay curious. Read great books, talk to interesting people, study subjects you know little about and try to apply them to your life in new and creative ways. Be a perpetual student!
Remember...
-Make sure your life is on solid ground.
-Place yourself in the presence of opportunity.
-Spend time with people who inspire you.
-Be what you want to attract.
-Keep learning.
I wish you all a nice holiday weekend. On this Memorial Day, please take a few moments to remember those whose lives have been lost in service to their country.
If you would like to talk more about attracting more opportunity into your life, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary coaching consultation.
(Published in Momentum Newsletter, May, 2007)
March 08, 2007
Deepen Your Community
People with similar interests and relating styles are attracted to one another and will eventually bond together. Frequently those bonds will be closer than a traditional family. This is community. Your community will tend to shape you more than your original family unit.
A couple of weeks ago, I lost my mother to a long and tough battle with cancer. In the process of being with all of the gathered friends and relatives at her funeral, it was the overall community that struck me the most. My mother had many loyal friends in her life. When we arrived to the catered lunch for all of the family members, we were greeted by six of my mother's closest friends wearing aprons. They wanted to serve the lunch as a tribute to her.
The funeral was handled with the utmost care by a funeral director and his wife who were good friends of mine in high school. Their parents were dear friends of my parents. In addition, friends of mine from my present community sent flowers and cards and called just to offer assistance. I felt surrounded with love and honored all the same time.
This sense of community and the importance of how it has shaped and supported my life became abundantly clear in that recent experience. Next to my faith and family, there is nothing of greater value in the world. Not a perfectly designed home, not a prestigious car, not the "right" vacation to brag about. And especially not trying to be younger than I am. These relationships have been built over many years and that is a special privilege of growing more mature. Best of all, I find myself wanting to give back to all of those kind people, not because I have to but because I want to.
Who is your community? It can include immediate family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and people with whom you volunteer. The key about having a strong community is that it works best when chosen - people you are with because you want to be, not because you have been thrown together by some other circumstance.
Ideally, your community or support network will bring out the best in you. You come from a healthy place of having your own needs met. Now you can exchange positive emotional and spiritual support regularly and effortlessly. Nothing worth doing is worth doing alone, and the community you select will cause results in your life that you simply could not achieve on your own.
The late Thomas Leonard, a prominent life coach and creator of many of the coach training materials used today, gave these tips for looking at your community1:
Ask Yourself...
-Who is in my community of choice that I just hadn't seen as such until now?
-Am I currently attractive to the type of community I wish to be in?
-Do I even want to be part of a special, chosen community?
It may take a while to discover, attract or create your community of choice. As you get to know yourself better and become engaged in what truly appeals to you, you will draw closer to this community. You will upgrade your community of choice many times, and this is fine. Enjoy the people along the way as you keep refining and developing it.
Remember, having a chosen community makes you more well-rounded and well-connected. It can even be a reserve in case of trouble, as I experienced a few weeks ago. And your community will not only expand your personal and professional opportunities, it will move you in new, rewarding directions.
If you would like to talk more about developing a community that supports and enriches your life, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary coaching consultation.
(Momentum Newsletter article, March, 2007)
A couple of weeks ago, I lost my mother to a long and tough battle with cancer. In the process of being with all of the gathered friends and relatives at her funeral, it was the overall community that struck me the most. My mother had many loyal friends in her life. When we arrived to the catered lunch for all of the family members, we were greeted by six of my mother's closest friends wearing aprons. They wanted to serve the lunch as a tribute to her.
The funeral was handled with the utmost care by a funeral director and his wife who were good friends of mine in high school. Their parents were dear friends of my parents. In addition, friends of mine from my present community sent flowers and cards and called just to offer assistance. I felt surrounded with love and honored all the same time.
This sense of community and the importance of how it has shaped and supported my life became abundantly clear in that recent experience. Next to my faith and family, there is nothing of greater value in the world. Not a perfectly designed home, not a prestigious car, not the "right" vacation to brag about. And especially not trying to be younger than I am. These relationships have been built over many years and that is a special privilege of growing more mature. Best of all, I find myself wanting to give back to all of those kind people, not because I have to but because I want to.
Who is your community? It can include immediate family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and people with whom you volunteer. The key about having a strong community is that it works best when chosen - people you are with because you want to be, not because you have been thrown together by some other circumstance.
Ideally, your community or support network will bring out the best in you. You come from a healthy place of having your own needs met. Now you can exchange positive emotional and spiritual support regularly and effortlessly. Nothing worth doing is worth doing alone, and the community you select will cause results in your life that you simply could not achieve on your own.
The late Thomas Leonard, a prominent life coach and creator of many of the coach training materials used today, gave these tips for looking at your community1:
Ask Yourself...
-Who is in my community of choice that I just hadn't seen as such until now?
-Am I currently attractive to the type of community I wish to be in?
-Do I even want to be part of a special, chosen community?
It may take a while to discover, attract or create your community of choice. As you get to know yourself better and become engaged in what truly appeals to you, you will draw closer to this community. You will upgrade your community of choice many times, and this is fine. Enjoy the people along the way as you keep refining and developing it.
Remember, having a chosen community makes you more well-rounded and well-connected. It can even be a reserve in case of trouble, as I experienced a few weeks ago. And your community will not only expand your personal and professional opportunities, it will move you in new, rewarding directions.
If you would like to talk more about developing a community that supports and enriches your life, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary coaching consultation.
(Momentum Newsletter article, March, 2007)
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